The last thing you can say to a person who is grieving or going through a dark time in her/his life is to be positive.
It seems that we have overused the sentence without really exploring the real meaning, because let's face it: the world is run by only happy faces projecting the glory of this living.
And, I get it because this sells. Happiness sells because deep inside we are made for this, and we know this: that we crave for joy and prosperity.
I think though we are missing a big point. Not because we are incapable of knowing but mostly because we have not created enough space in this world yet for something very, very important.
Inner Education. Mental Education. Emotional Education. Soul Education ( call it whatever or call it all of this together ).
When I was little I was only taught about how to live from the externals. How to look knowledgeable enough from the books I was reading or studying from, and I thought indeed that was the only kind of intelligence you could ( and should ) cultivate in your life.
That was terribly pressuring for myself because I did always feel like I wasn't good enough. I had always felt behind the line, mostly because my confidence was broken when I was little
( I was bullied ) and my sharpness was lost on the way.
Most of the reactions from trauma are about to prove yourself and others that you are worthy enough, so you live by always challenging yourself to do the most difficult and abnormal things.
Even though I wasn't keen on sciences ( I never understood the point of maths or chemistry. I still don't ) I obliged myself to love it and to be the best at it.
I also became this pleasing and extra depending person on others in order to prove that I could be seen. I smiled all the needed times. I let the patriarchal rules dominate my own living through the mantra of " good women go to heaven and are loved by all the world ".
I could see how this worked well on the outside. I could also hear the messages that my mother had been inflicted with and she inflicted in me: smile, be pretty, say nice things.
When my anger was appearing, I was only rejected back with words like : " look at her, she has bad temper, she is not that good as she looks ".
I know I do mention it in all my blog posts, but yoga saved my life. Yoga was the first practice that put me in touch with my feelings, that gave me space to recognised that I am not only a body or a mind that is filled with external ideas an opinions. With yoga I discovered an internal intelligence which is primordial too for human evolution : the emotional one.
To have a rich inner world should be a subject in all schools. To teach that happiness is not really the ultimate outcome would save many lives, and release many people from their own traumas.
What I have learnt throughout time is that the most important thing for prosperity is
IS TO LIVE WITH A REGULATED NERVOUS SYSTEM.
For this, a full and safe acceptance of one's darkness ( traumas, pain and fears ) needs to happen first, with an allowance to both be expressed and put out without rejection. Our feelings don't define us and we should not be defined by it, neither our lives should be defined by something as ethereal as good, bad, happy or sad.
To take darkness out of the equation is like to cut the year into two seasons: spring and summer, how unnatural this would be ?
We can have happy periods in life, totally true, but eventually darkness will arrive one way or the other, and if we only live through the magic and exhausting pill of exhilaration, our only tool to face the other side of life would be avoidance or a total crash of all of our systems.
Grieving for the last two years of my life has taught me about the above. It has also taught me about meaning: that we are here once and our time is truly limited, and we should embrace our darkness with glory too because is the only way to live with more light.
Now If I feel sad I do declare it. I let it be. I let it out. I take my space to embrace it because I know there is a part of me that is being released from the pain I ( and we) carry within.
In this acceptance there is a seed within me that is planted and it feels steady, and this keeps me going.
Not matter what I keep going,
no need to prove my goodness,
I just show with all that is unraveling and I let wholeness to take over.