Updated: Oct 8, 2021
Today the sunrise was exuberant: a canvas of a fire softened in pink and oranges.
As I was gazing through the window, a sudden rush of palpitations did rise up in my heart center:
" Damn, I missed it ! I could have been in the fields recording beautiful scenes of nature in this season, and I wasn't ".
Suddenly, a calmed voice from deep within whispered gently : " Leticia, you are doing all what you can, today you are in the right place here at your home, not in the fields". That felt like compassion is : a soothing of the heart in the moment.
Compassion is also like a tender and wise mother who knows what she is talking about. She is needed. At least I need her much right now.
I have been reflecting lately about how we do repeat cycles, and my question is whether we will always do. Whether there are wounds that are so integrated within ourselves that we will always carry leftovers.
Though maybe the point is to not obsess much into completely get rid of our darkness, but into keep working on ourselves, and healing along the way while we cherish who we are becoming again and again.
Not long ago, I was able to identify something deep within myself, a wound that has been healing for ages, and maybe it will always do.
Have you ever heard of FOMO ? Fear Of Missing Out.
This is a quite common form of anxiety of many of us who are/ have been people pleasers.
We want everybody to be happy because this makes us feel loved and in belonging. We want this so much that we will put others first before ourselves. Once upon at time ( when we were kids ) we did not get the attention we needed, and so we created a survival response of giving out to get some kind of love back.
This is so common in women ( also happens in men ) as we have been undermined for centuries, as our power has been buried under the Earth, and we have been categorised as only good, gentle and capable of doing it all for everybody, versus being acknowledged as whole human beings who can also be furious, powerful and capable of choosing themselves first.
I have been there many times. Trying to be perfect beyond human, pouring my cup out thinking the reward does always come from outside. Feeling this is the only way possible to feel complete,
until I have been able to feel safe enough to embrace my own frustration, exhaustion and anger for realising that the the only thing I have been missing on is myself.
Healing starts with realisation, with a deep knowingness that comes from within, of an "a-ha" moment from your soul.
Compassion is the light that awakens the darkness of the heart, and is also the fire that transforms it into something much refined and enduring.
To know that I don't need to be everywhere constantly to captivate the best sunrises, friendships or experiences is a huge relief. Even though I may be driven by rush, I am learning to step back and find a calmness within that makes me feel strangely steady and strong.
I don't need to say YES to everything and everybody if that entails a disruption of my own nervous system.
This is how compassion speaks to me right now.
In this process, I am realising that I am regaining my full own power, and it feels good.
It feels very good.
May it be then.
May we find softness to only become much stronger.