Updated: Sep 26, 2021
Today's writing is about " why" I called my blog " wholehearted living".
Life is a mix of experiences which most of them we cannot control. The only thing we can do is to learn to navigate better by looking after ourselves ( physically, emotionally and mentally) not matter what.
To put more dark into the shadows by ignoring them, or making them taboos or pretending that they will turn into light by clicking our fingers, is like cutting our both breaths and hearts in half.
And maybe this is the issue: we have been conditioned to think that life only happens for real when all is flowing and we feel not trembling ground beyond our feet, and thus in there we can rest in our worthiness, we can tell our stories, we can talk about success as one way street, and mostly we can feel safe to be seen.
I had my first anxiety when I was fourteen. I could feel my heart beating fast and hard, and at night terror did invade me while making me think I was going to die. It was very scary and confusing to be experiencing this at such a young age. At the same time I was going through an eating disorder which lasted for many years.
What triggered this ?
It does not need to be huge, or disconcerting or violent. Some people experience it in terrible and aggressive ways but others do in small cuts that they can remain hidden in their subconscious, yet there is still bleeding happening.
TRAUMA moves us away from feeling safe and seen. It condition us to live limited, anchored in undeserved fears which will determine our curses in life if we don't bring the light in.
My trauma of not being embraced as a sensitive kid caused anxiety in my body. Now I know that this wasn't my parents fault nor my caretakers. This was the result of growing in societies where emotional care ( and thus intelligence ) is ( yet ) totally undermined and put it aside.
We still focus much on degrees and learning from books instead of nurturing the heart through the experience. We still think that a person's value is based into physical strength, achievement and performance rather than humanity. We still cross the past as a way to live in the present and build a better future.
Yes, I am a radical for this as we humans are shaping life by example, not only with our doings but also with our beings. How do create relationships in this World is crucial to build peace, the holy grail of nowadays, something in extinction like the environment too.
And so all of us have the responsibility to do this work if we want a better World. To look at our wounds and embrace them.
My anxiety turned into many kind of anxieties through my growing up: fears that became like terrific beasts in phantasy movies, insecurities which turned my voice into suppressed silence, uncontrolled rest through overworking and burnt out after burn out. You may be thinking of " how terrible to live like this! "
but the truth is that I wasn't terrified because that was my idea of happiness. That is what I thought life was about. To be part of a non stopping hamster wheel, to avoid my own fears ( as they supposedly are random thoughts of the mind ) and to play safe in my own limitations ( without bidding for how the inside voice feels ) .
Is only after doing a lot of work with my own self ( and so it continues for life ), I have realised that the wound only heals when we bring the light in from knowing that there is something bleeding in us.
How much are we willing to put attention to what hurts while we consciously embrace it is what matters the most.
Yesterday I had a sad day. I felt deeply the loss of my mum nearly two years ago. I did let myself embody it through fast heart beats and seconds of cold sweats. I did let myself encounter this sadness which was also a reminder of the pain my mother carried through her life, and did not have a chance to be unveiled. I am still healing from her and from myself too, and maybe I will always do and is ok.
Is ok to have anxiety as this a complex subject, and we live in a complex World with so much hidden pain.
The work we do with ourselves will always bring ease tough.
It won't bring perfection. It won't change our lives to a constant state of happiness. It won't control the darkness. It won't give us the guarantee of nothing ever terrifying will happen to us.
But instead it will give us the best thing that can ever happen to us.
To be finally seen, from inside out, with a whole both heart and breath.
May we always remember how important this is. For us and for others.