I woke up today with inspiration in my mind. I take the first hours in the morning, which are my favourite ones to both read and write, to commit to this week's blog post.
I have been questioning lately why, it does seem, I need so much space to be by myself. I have been wondering whether is the age or the unraveling times we are living that have changed us all, and made us more preservative of our own time.
What I know is that this permission I am consciously granting myself with, is an opportunity to slow down physically, mentally and emotionally to mostly feel SAFE in all my being.
It takes another universe to realise of the many things we have implemented our living with.
Things that we believe are both real and part of our own integrated personalities. Things that we are even proud of, and eventually become the assets for what we know is a life of comfort and prosperity.
These things are thoughts, behaviours and trespassed information about how we are supposed to engage in this only experience we are gifted with that is life. Not all what we think we know, though, turns into our own favour.
I used to think that to be good was to save the World. To put others first before you. To never show your anger in front of others because that diminished your value. To play a happy face to felt fully accepted and in community. To be friends with everybody even though you felt completely awkward with some people you were engaging with. To make favours to others because one day they could return the favour to you.
I used to believe that all of the above was my main condition for living. That was my safety zone to feel fulfilled and loved.....
until it wasn't anymore.
WHAT HAPPENED ?
I slowed down.
Not consciously or voluntarily at first. I did it because I did not have any other option. I did it because I recognised that my nervous system was completely out of balance, and that was having big repercussions in my body and my way of living.
I was angry all the time. I was having constant arguments with the closest people in my life. I did not know how to deal with myself and the situations I was faced with. It felt terribly unsafe to let these part of myself to be seen as such.
But the World I knew praised also this. The World I knew was breathing unconscious anger through forms of gossiping, rudeness, sarcasm and sharpness while saying it was OK to be like this: " Everybody lives like this. Is the culture. Is the family. Is the way to escalate in life ".
Until I dared to question: Is this all what I know, about the World and myself, completely true ?
Is not easy to feel like this. Now, though, I bless all these moments because they have taken me to understand that there are two kind of SAFETIES:
1) Survival safety.
2) Thriving safety.
Many of us live in survival safety for years, despite having our basic needs covered, normalising comfort ( physical, mental and emotional ) as prosperity. We will never risk a sensation, a thought or a emotion that is contradictory to what we think we are, in order to question our growth in life. It feels terribly unsafe to do this, so we keep going holding on control through many different ways : repressing our anger by playing good, blaming others by playing ambitious or knowledgeable, being positive for only our lightness and not our darkness with the consequences of rejecting all that brings shadow and uncertainty.
Even though this can work for a while, eventually something or someone will wake us up to life. A pain that is truly unbearable. A death of a person very close to us. A heartbreak that force us to feel our vulnerability. We can see this as a chance to grow or as a chance to not to. I don't know what truly determines our capacity to be willing to choose the first. Maybe that remains as a mystery in life.
But we can take our pain and find our courage to breakthrough from our survival zone to start living again, from the healing of our wounds and from all these places that were only protecting us to not reach further and out, like a tree that knows that is meant to come into fruition at some point of its life.
Thriving is not about living with a constant sense of safety. Thriving is knowing that safety starts first within one´s nervous system, and if this feels unregulated is our human duty to get help to get better, for our own sake and for others too, to only live in a World that feels more restored and less stressed out. Thriving is rooting for a life of abundance that is embodied first within. Is knowing that is impossible to feel successful in life with a constant sense of scarcity within. Thriving is knowing that the best way to bring good into the World is by recognising our greatness and working for it.
As the day is already up and I can see the sun shinning through my window, magically unexpected for these days of November,
I know that my life feels richer since I aim deeper, and this makes me feel in much hope with what is possible.
I am not settling for less. This is my new mantra for living.